Chapter 4 Post 3

The concept I found interesting for this week was the Defensiveness concept. The book describes as "a somewhat hostile, emotional state which causes people to either partially or totally reject incoming messages, and other stimuli which they perceive as being incorrect or contradictory to their point of view. People know there beliefs and it is when there beliefs get challenge is usually when people get defensive about others are preaching. For example; I was raised a catholic and so Catholic's believe that God created us thru Adam and Eve. We are taught not to have other God's besides Him. I was furthering my education; in science class we learned that we are mammals, and we came about all that. Later that day after school, I was asked my parents about that; and they said we are created from God, so are animals and everything. My point is that if you get two people who firmly believe in there view (i.e. a catholic and a scientist) there are going to be a defensiveness towards each other because what each of them believe in.

Chapter 4 Post 2

Listening is key component in communication; it can change a conversation tremendously. The book describes listening as the desire to pay attention to the other person; it is characterized by openness to the other person's views, willingness to suspend judgement during the discussion, and patience to hear the other out. When I was younger listening was difficult because I was immature especially in the classroom; but when it came to friends having problems I was a great ear for them. Before even reading the process in the book; I would listen on what the problem they are going through at the time. Sometimes I put myself in there situation in my head or sometimes I can relate to it but I keep my thoughts to myself because its there time to speak. I concentrate on what they are saying but at the same time I do think about my own ideas maybe to help out there situation. I've learned that if someone is telling you something personal i.e. a death, you may think about the situation but never say "I can relate" but say "I can only imagine." This helps the speaker know that you got there undivided attention, you won't be able to relate to the person because your problems and there problems are completely different.

Chapter 4 Post 1

How easy or hard is it to stop conflict; depends what kind of situation that I am in. I have been in many different conflicts that involve a lot of things, but I try and follow the S-TLC model which is Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate. When in an argument I think you can be so mad that you can so much rage inside you; but at the same time you really get to understand the message that is being conveyed to you it helps calm the problems. My coach always told me; listen to the message not the messenger, meaning that the person can yelling; ripping; and swearing at you after all that it should make sense to the both of you what is going on. Some peers find it a game to do it that way; like my coach then; some do it because they feel empowered but then realize it doesn't solve anything.

I find myself in between because sometimes it is hard if you are constantly getting in a conflict about the same situation everyday, but if I am not ready to speak about the conflict, I simply just tell the person I can't about this right now I need some time to think. I go and shoot some hoops or get a little run in; then when I am about level headed; i go back speak to them.

Chapter 11 Post 3 Mediatiors as Communication Rules Enforcers

The concept I am picking for this week are rules for mediators. Rules are obligations (they tell us what we must say in certain situations). These is an example of how our rules are laid down for us when we are young. Like we are going to school when you hear the bell, usually it means that you got 1 min left until you got to your seat and the teacher beginnings class; if your not in your seat there are consequences. This is the basic rules definition and an example of it.

The communication rules for mediation are; They enforce those communication rules, they steer disputants through the steps of mediation, they manage the tone of the discussion, and they ask the disputants to cease discussing some topics and focus on others. These rules are based on how to handle each the basic mediator process. Although I have done something similar where my two friends were fighting about a situation and they told me to be there so they don't "throw down" I feel like it is more on an informal one even though I feel like I followed the rules guidelines.

Chapter 11 Post 2

This chapter about mediation has a lot of common use people use during communication in everyday life; maybe not to the extend of it but they have related to some concepts about conflict. Fractionation is breaking down complex issues into smaller, more manageable ones. The next technique is framing which is where mediators ask neutral or friendly questions that avoid blame or passing judgement and summarize issues. Reframing is where mediators restate negatively loaded, biased, or accusatory statements made by one of the parties in more neutral terminology or restate positions. The last one common ground which consists of attitudes, values, behaviors, expectations, and goals the parties share can serve as a basis for an agreement.

I would like to use the fractionation into an example. The book basically defines it as making issues into smaller, more manageable ones. I coach high school basketball, we are team that is guard oriented, meaning that we are smaller and quicker so we can outrun teams. We are at a disadvantage when we play bigger teams that can run also, the other coaches and I have been trying to hide our deficiencies and still be successful. This year although we are not a big fan of playing a zone defense; we found out that playing it in occasionally helps us out we can rebound a little better, and there isn't much of a mismatch. Each game we approach the game differently our coaching staff is still continuing to work hard to help our team to be successful. Its a process, and each I feel like we are getting better.

Chapter 11 Post 1

A mediator is a neutral third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediation. It also help restore communication and normalize relations, it allows for full participation by the conflicting parties. I believe that communication majors would make perfect mediators because they keep an an open mind and don't try to pick a side during a conflict. There job is to seek an unbiased and no reason to take a anyone's side; also to give each side same amount of time and attention and making sure it is equal towards speaking.Also in formal or informal cases it is best that the mediator doesn't know each party or one of the party; this helps not to be biased towards one party and it keeps an open mind. For lawyers and psychotherapists there job is to pick one side and defend that side even though it maybe right or wrong; basically problem/solution, find a way to convince persuade one side to win. Whereas mediators are trying to find solve and find a middle hearing both sides of the story.

Chapter 3 post 3

The concept that I picked for this chapter is the assertive communication. The book defines it as the ability to speak up for one's interests, concerns, or rights in a way that does not interfere or infringes on the rights of others. This style of communication was brought upon to me when my friend and his girlfriend were going thru a tough situation. He was telling me about how it has been tough, and she wants to take some time off from each other. During the time he was telling me; I would just listen because I know he has done some stuff to piss of his girlfriend too. The girlfriend would say what she wanted to say also. I would wait until they asked what I think; or I would say I can only imagine because as a listener you want them to do the speaking. At the end of this they asked who was right and who was wrong; but instead of me choosing I tried to look at the bigger picture of patching it together.
Although I had to bite my tongue because of the things they have done would hurt any relationship; I've simply just said if you love each other and those things happen it the past happened already and your still together; you guys belong together and work out the kinks of your relationship. There is never going to be a perfect relationship but there is always a way to get better to strive to be perfect couple. I'm happy to say that they are still together; and had plans on getting married soon.

chapter 3 post 2

I believe there is a big difference between abusive and being strict. Parents who have rules and set the rules for reason are being strict. The parents usually have rules about curfew, going to bed early on a school night, getting your homework done before you can hang out with friends, or not getting into trouble. There are consequences for these rules, some parents may hit you or some parents might take away something you like to do as punishment; but then talk to you afterwards on why they are strict on the rules. On the other hand, parents that just hit there kids to the point they have to wear clothing to cover the wounds; that's an abusive parent. Those parents have rules too; but there agenda is different. I feel like they want to scare the kid when abusive parents do this and it isn't safe for the kids.

Also when parents push there child it should involve being positive where a child knows there goals; and if there goals aren't met if there is an alternative. I experience where pushing is a positive in my life. My parents still push me till this day. They push me so that I can do better than they did. I know that sometimes the pushing can get to the point where it maybe too much, where a kid might commit suicide or push so much when they fail the parents see them as worthless. I feel like pushing a kid but knowing there limits also is a great way to have a great relationship with the kid.

chapter 3 dealing with conflicts

When dealing with conflict there are a lot of different ways to handle each conflict. I feel like each situation is unique, like if someone else is starting the conflict and you know you are at fault then there a concept for that.

In the book; it describes other centered orientation which disregards for self that can result in unproductive outcomes. When it comes to conflict sometimes I have myself doing this concept because maybe it is a reoccurring subject and after a while it gets annoying but you don't want to say they are annoying so you just keep it to yourself. The 2nd concept the book mentions is self-centered. It is a person dominating, control, and force their decisions on others. I have never experience like this, like doing this to others, but I have seen done to me and others. I have seen done at the work place; it felt like a dictatorship at the place. I tell you how to do this; I don't care what you feel just get the job done. The last concept for this chapter I feel I use a lot of; its the relationship-centered orientation. It is assertive communication behavior, which can in turn be enacted through collaborating or compromising strategies. I've done this concept a lot, whether it is doing a group project, coaching a basketball team, getting into it with your loved one. This concept I feel is the one I grew up learning and adapting too and I am still learning today.
Overall each orientation has significances towards handling each concept. I feel like we experience each concept whether it is us doing it or if it is being done to us. I feel like I don't assign myself to one orientation; but it can always depend on the situation and how I might be feeling that day.

Chapter 2 Self-talk

For this week I chose the self-talk concept.This concept seems to be used only when one feels obligated to standup for oneself. When I was in high school I was playing for the basketball team; I felt like I was practicing hard, always getting yelled at for a reason I never knew but I wasn't seeing the playing time I felt I deserve. My coach was a tough guy; with a tough guy personality; I knew two things can happen if I talk to him; either he would give me playing time or he would look at me and just give me "are you serious you think you can play" look. My coach took it well; he actually said he was glad I talked to him' he just told me to keep practicing hard and I will see what I can do. He told me the yelling is a built up from your teammates fooling around, so the next person I see messed up I yell. He always told me; listen to the message not the messenger. .The next few games I got in and started a few too. So reading the definition of Self-Talk in the book; I knew I can relate to it because I've does this type of communication with even knowing that it is a concept that can be broken down. I would strategically plan out what I am going to say; look what the consequences are; and how I would deal it the outcome.
My coach and I still have a great relationship and we still communicate till this day. When looking back at the situation now I knew I made a great decision regardless if he gave me what I wanted or not; because it help me to be more confident and how to stand up for myself.

Post 2 Conflict

The concept that I take a non process view on is conflict. During a conflict especially with a loved one I tend to take everything in, or if I had a very rough day and they keep on nagging; I tend to let everything out. I believe the book mentions the triggering event; where maybe something can get on your last nerve; and the initiation phase where the other person makes it known that there is an argument. I never saw a conflict broken down in a series among of stages. For me; it's get mad and solve it; or get mad, take a day or two to cool things down. After seeing how the process works and the steps need to be taken; I will make a better effort to trying this process of five step sequence. Also I think it may differ with using this process because if I am arguing with someone that I first met; I'm pretty sure I would take my process onto account; but if it is a friend, family, lover, it is a little bit easier to do the 5 step sequence.

Chapter 1 conflict

I believe that conflict is not something we are born with but it is a big focus in our lives. The focus is/was on "me." If something is done to us we get defensive about the situation and that's where the arguing comes about. It also has to do with seeing grown ups fighting or arguing about something. I used to watch General Hospital with my grandma as she was babysitting me; although I was young I would see the disagreements on the show; and the two characters won't talk to each other for a while. Then as I got older, grownups would fight I put the two together; so I don't feel like we are born with conflict; I believe it is something that we as people adapt to as we get older; also because there are rules in our society that we have to follow; like when your a kid and steal gum from the store you will not know that's wrong because kids just grab everything; it isn't until parents say, "no put that back!" that kids realize its wrong. On one last note this concept becomes instinctive once we learn the whole process to it. Once we are adapted to it then we start using the concept.

Introduction

Hello Everyone,
I've been a student at San Jose State since 2009, hoping to graduate next year. I am a transfer student from West Valley College where I got a liberal arts degree and a minor in Communications. I have taken different kinds of communication classes here at San Jose State and at West Valley, I really like improving relationships thru communications which was offered at West Valley, and I also liked the small group communications which was taught by Dr. Perez. Communication and Conflict was an interesting class which I thought that I can benefit from seeing from the title of the class, it would help benefit trying to solve different kinds of conflict and how to handle each situation hoping that's what I think is going to be taught.

Besides being a student and knowing my experience with communications; I intend to graduate with a communications degree with a minor in sociology, and get my masters in teaching or counseling. I also coach basketball, I am the girls assistant head coach at The Harker School. I've been a head coach for about 3 years at Peter Burnett middle school doing both girls and boys basketball. I just recently just added to the class earlier today so I got some catching up to do. I hope everyone has a great semester; can't wait to communicate with you guys.