Post 3

This semester I have learned thru reading Managing Conflict Through Communication, researching different conflict resolution tools, or basically learning through our people's stories and post. I believe that conflict isn't as worse as we think it is, if the right tools is use to handle the situation. Like the process view of Conflict is a group of tools that notice that you are in a conflict; there is prelude to conflict, the triggering event, the initiation phase, differentiation phase, and resolution phase. Each step shows different ways how to handle it. It gives a great definition of usually goes on during each step all of these steps go hand in hand, like the triggering event is the obvious of a rule breaking, or doing to something to hurt the other. Then comes the initiation phase which states that there is a problem. Like I mentioned before these steps tie all together. I really felt that this is important and it is obvious because the authors stated in the beginning chapters. Next, was the communication options in conflict, all the orientation's had really well definitions. The one that really stood out to me was the relationship-centered orientation or in other words the assertive communication. It is a middle group to which failing to stand up for your personal rights or doing so in a dysfunctional way, and aggressiveness. I always thought that the accommodating perspective was a better way because that is the approach that I always take during conflict, now that I further understand it, I realize that I was just deepening the conflict. Using the collaborating phase is the best way to managing conflicts according to Abigail and Cahn. I support these decision also because you get into two people trying to figure out a better solution. Lastly I really liked the S-TLC system, this really helps me understand how to handle the situation. Like I don't lose my head as much as often and instead I relax and try to handle the situation after I am done cooling off. I always try to think before I do something where it can affect the problem even worse. I believe all the tools learned throughout the semester helped me understand conflicts more than before. I was recently in a conflict,but using some of these methods helped solve the problem quicker than usual.

question 2

I really enjoyed the different projects in the class. When I went out and did the conflict resolution workshop, and conducted the interview between the coach and player, it really gave me ideas how to handle each situation. Like the way they handle the situation in the first session is a way I would of handle it also, but when I introduced the different tools on how to manage conflict, it really helped out the coach/player situation. For me, sometimes I gotta see it happen, before I can believe the product actually works. I also seen myself using the the accommodating phase and it is a blessing and a curse because I might have some negative feelings I want to get out but I would feel bad especially if the other person is also going thru a rough time. I see it as no point of being a burden and putting more weight on another persons situation. I firmly believe in the relationship-centered orientation which consist of collaborating and assertive behavior, I would need to practice this approach more and not rely on the past options. I would definitely recommend this class to students, coaches, parents, and everyone else. I feel if people knew how to handle conflict, it may give the world peace, divorce rates may go down, parents and children's relationship will be stronger and coaches/parents/players will have a better connection.

Chapter 16 question 1

I think that people have a negative view of conflict is because people are afraid of confronting a problem. If it relates to problems most people would love to avoid the situation instead of trying to attack it head on and find a easier solution. Most people also either don't like getting attack, or even giving out the attack. I bet most people usually handle a situation where its on impulse; meaning if someone kept nagging and your on your boiling point you will eventually burst. I also believe that people view this negatively because they don't know how to handle being put in a conflict situation; how to manage stress, how to use the S-TLC system, what communication options is best. If people start to learn more about conflict and how to handle it, I think they would fear it less because of past experiences where they might of handled it wrong and the learning tools provided from Abigail and Cahn would get these people to a greater outcome.

post 3

The concept I picked for this week is anxiety. Anxiety is a tension that occurs when people perceive danger in a situation. People can become anxious when they think that someone may interfere with their goals, when they fear their own impulses in a situation, or when they disapprove of their own actions. For example; I remember that I had big interview coming up for a job. My friend also was going for the job also. All week that's all I could of think about, not messing up the interview so I can get this job how would I look if I lost to my friend. My anxiety level kicked up a lot the day off, and I was sweating in my palms, my shirt was drenched like I just got out of a swimming pool. I didn't get the job, my friend got it instead, but everything worked out for the best later on. Also the book says Anxiety may lead us to suppressed issues.

Chapter 12 Post 2

Internal attributions are about another person (she wanted, he hates, she's stupid, he's evil, etc), it often results in name calling and assigning blame. When something gets me frustrated I usually act in the internal attribution concept. Chapter 7 mentioned about hyper stress. It is when it occurs when too many tasks and responsibilities pile up on us and we are unable to adapt to the changes or cope with all that is happening at once. When this happens it leads me getting into the name calling because of the prior stress that I am dealing with. For example; I remember a time when I was trying to cool off and relax by shooting some hoops, while I was playing the game, a guy started "trash talking" so I started saying things that had nothing to do with the situation but the stress situation I am in made say things that were hurtful. It almost lead into a fight but other people broke it up. After that day I try and handle my difficult situations differently so the outcome won't be violent.

Chapter 10 post 1

When I researched forgiveness I found stuff about the bible or something religious I feel because that's what most religions try to preach. I seen couple sites involving love because usually when asking for forgiveness it means that one may be hurting another. When I researched reconciliation it was the same as forgiveness it had religious websites a lot of the roman catholic beliefs.

When I researched revenge a lot more websites came up, some from entertainment weekly, a lot from T.V. series there are movies and shows named after revenge. There is related research on how to get revenge on people. People online different tactics on how to plot a revenge on some. I found a link that had, how the U.S. got its revenge on the AL-Queda of the 2001 attack. Revenge is a negative so there are more to doing something negative than positive. For example; if a person were to get into a fight and it became a 5 on 1, the initial reaction would be to seek revenge and not forgiveness. That's how there are more links for revenge than forgiveness and reconciliation.

Post 3 Concessions

For this week I chose the concessions concept because I know everyone can relate to this situation. Concessions is when one admits the offender's guilt and offer restitution. Concessions are often done in combination with excuses or apologies. I remember when my godfather promised me to take me to a Warriors game, I was ready to go and everything and last min he bailed out on me because he had something to do. I looked up to him because he would treat me like a son, he was like a second dad to me. The next day he made it up to me by taking to me the Warrior game because the team played 2 games in 2 nights, and we went early also to meet the players. He even bought me some new shoes and a jersey to wear to the game. Looking at this situation now, I feel like when I do break a promise like this, I do go beyond extreme measures to make the person happy whether its material things or surprising them with something special.

Chapter 10 post 2

There was a situation back when I was in high school I had two friends one was a girl and one was a guy.We were all great friends, they started dating which was something I saw coming. During the relationship my guy friend was abusive physically and verbally, and my girl friend would come talk to me and tell what was going on. One day I headed over to his house for a party, he confronted me in front of everybody and shoved me to the wall and I knocked down chairs and everything he started to swing at me while I was on the ground. I was so embarrassed I couldn't believe that my best friend was attacking me like this I didn't fight back because he was going through some emotional stuff at the time. Maybe a few months after he tried to apologize to me, I stood my ground and I said, "I can't forgive someone who hits women, that's the one thing I absolutely hate." Women don't deserve to be punished like that for no good reason. I explained I wasn't even mad that he tried to show me up at the party I was more upset how he treated our friend. The whole situation died over after a year or two, but it was difficult for me because I have seen this done to my relatives because of some of the men they dated were abusive like this.

Chapter 9 post 1

I don't use Facebook but back in the day I used to have a Myspace account. I would present myself in a way that wasn't to out there, maybe a profile picture where I am doing an activity that I liked i.e. basketball. With the things that I post about myself, I hope people get the notion that I am outgoing, fun-loving, laid back, and funny person. I never post anything negative about anyone; just funny stuff or funny comments. When I used to read others profiles I say to myself, "damn those things are kinda personal" its things I would never post to the world. There was a situation where my friend and I were arguing and he posted something about me which was a secret and he posted it on Myspace. I was in shock that he would do such a thing, This was explained in the book as the Reproach concept; he had a lot of explaining to do something so low. He said he was drunk and wanted to vent online about everything and as he was posting on others. When he got to my profile he was already enraged and told somethings about me that were not real but he posted the secret. He apologize about it but it was hard to trust that person. I dropped the beef real quick like within a day or two just because I don't hold grudges and I am an easy going person, but that's the tough part because my personality can also lead me to getting "walked all over on."

Chapter 7 Post 3 Distress

The concept I chose for this week was the distress concept from chapter 7. The book describes distress as, "people may experience distress, which arises when they don't feel that they have control over the situation and when the source of stress is unclear. Also distress is experienced more by some then others or occurs at different times in people's lives. My experience was a couple semesters ago where I had to do a group presentation to a bunch of people convincing them that its better to rent than to buy especially during these rough times. I know it sounds pretty simple; but before and the day off the presentation my friends told me I wasn't being myself,doing things that usually I don't do, I was getting headaches and stomach problems. After the presentation all the symptoms went away, it was just the thought of trying to convince strangers and the questions that might arise scared me. Once I knew I could conquer that situation, it was a little it easier now doing presentations to strangers.

Chapter 8 Post 2

When managing anger I tend to use the anger-ins in which I do not express my anger to the person who upset me. I feel like even though I am angry I don't want to hurt the other persons feelings. The book says that anger-in people tend to use the ventilation approach. This approach is talking to everyone besides the person you are mad at; to seek advice, or a different way to look at the situation. An example I would like to share is when I got upset because one of my coaches kept getting on me for being lazy during practice which I wasn't. He constantly picked on me; I was so mad I wanted to lash out but instead I chatted with my teammates, other coaches, and my parents. Then I took the "anger controllers" concept and applied with my coach; I told him how I felt but in a constructive and respectful way. He told me that he does that because he knew he thought he could challenge me to get better, he didn't know he was tearing me down inside. He still yelled at me but in a more positive way which helped our relationship.

Chapter 7 post 1

I view all three solutions as a great way to view stress. The first and second solutions probably works out better for me because of the balance of school, work, and my own personal time. The book states that we can view work as what we do for the sake of something else, while play is what we do for its own sake. This relates to school for me because we need to finish school to get a better paying job. That is the outcome we want when get the degree but at the same time I find myself looking at it as a game. I challenge myself in class and at work so that there an incentive to going everyday. Maybe at school I set a little goal for myself i.e. participant more in class when discussion get dull, or at work lets set a better product out than yesterday; lets put a smile on everyone's face and let our customer service be 110%. The book states this as "lighten up to take the view that play is an attitude of mind that may pervade any human activity."

Chapter 6 question 3

The concept I chose for this chapter was thromise. Thromise is a message that sounds like a promise (i.e., if you do x you will receive y) but operates like a threat because there is a penalty associated with noncompliance that may hurt the recipient. The recipient doesn't simply fail to receive a benefit.

Growing up I heard this concept a lot from parents, coaches, managers, and teachers. The example I want to share with everyone is when teachers give this incentive but give a harsh punishment towards the end. I remember a teacher for math (which was my worse subject) saying that if you got a grade that you didn't like on a quiz/test; its alright because it's just 10% to 20% of your grade, I have extra credit to boost those grades up. Little did I know that if anything was answered wrong or left blanked on the extra credit it would lower our test score. If I remember correctly the highest grade in the class was a B minus, I was just fortunate that I started figuring out to do well (at least a C or better) on the quiz/ test and I would be good. I ended the class with a low C which is still considered passing.

Chapter 6 question 2

In a unbalanced power relationship; it can really depend who has the power in the relationship. The one with the power usually feels happy and dominant about the relationship. The person with the less power may feel insecure about the relationship and not comfortable but sometimes you 'll never realize it because maybe the dominate person in the relationship has a good stranglehold. If I had power I feel more comfortable; like going to a place where I am accustomed to I have more confidence going into it. Other examples are; being prepared for a presentation, knowing the professor you are taking. For less power can be something where a person goes outside their comfort zone, like going to a party undressed and everyone you see in a stranger, or coaching a bunch of kids where other coaches are judging you how well the practicing is going. I believe though that it depends on the situation you are in at the time of this conflict climate.

Chapter 6 question 1

Trust is something between two people that cherish the relationship. A friend, family, a significant other or an elder; those are usually people we trust. The book describes TRUST as the belief that another is benevolent or honest toward the trusting individual, and that the other person's caring transcends any direct benefits the other receives as a result of caring.

The time I lost trust to someone was when with my best friend who told me that he would always have my back; and never cross me. Back in high school around my sophomore year, my so called friend knew everything about me, he told people nasty rumors about me that weren't true, but he also told some personal stuff about my life around school. That hurt our relationship and we didn't speak for a while I was so pissed I wanted to fight him and say stuff about him; but that wasn't me so I just decided not to talk to him. About 5 years gone by I saw him at the community college;I went up to him and said was-sup. We talked for a bit and he said want to grab lunch and chat about what happen. He said that he was mad because I was talking to a girl he liked that I never knew; and he plotted to go against me; he apologize as did I but I told him that was in the past lets just move on because we in college and we grown already. No need for some high school drama to ruin our friendship. We speak almost everyday now when he isn't busy with work and hang out all the time.

Chapter 4 Post 3

The concept I found interesting for this week was the Defensiveness concept. The book describes as "a somewhat hostile, emotional state which causes people to either partially or totally reject incoming messages, and other stimuli which they perceive as being incorrect or contradictory to their point of view. People know there beliefs and it is when there beliefs get challenge is usually when people get defensive about others are preaching. For example; I was raised a catholic and so Catholic's believe that God created us thru Adam and Eve. We are taught not to have other God's besides Him. I was furthering my education; in science class we learned that we are mammals, and we came about all that. Later that day after school, I was asked my parents about that; and they said we are created from God, so are animals and everything. My point is that if you get two people who firmly believe in there view (i.e. a catholic and a scientist) there are going to be a defensiveness towards each other because what each of them believe in.

Chapter 4 Post 2

Listening is key component in communication; it can change a conversation tremendously. The book describes listening as the desire to pay attention to the other person; it is characterized by openness to the other person's views, willingness to suspend judgement during the discussion, and patience to hear the other out. When I was younger listening was difficult because I was immature especially in the classroom; but when it came to friends having problems I was a great ear for them. Before even reading the process in the book; I would listen on what the problem they are going through at the time. Sometimes I put myself in there situation in my head or sometimes I can relate to it but I keep my thoughts to myself because its there time to speak. I concentrate on what they are saying but at the same time I do think about my own ideas maybe to help out there situation. I've learned that if someone is telling you something personal i.e. a death, you may think about the situation but never say "I can relate" but say "I can only imagine." This helps the speaker know that you got there undivided attention, you won't be able to relate to the person because your problems and there problems are completely different.

Chapter 4 Post 1

How easy or hard is it to stop conflict; depends what kind of situation that I am in. I have been in many different conflicts that involve a lot of things, but I try and follow the S-TLC model which is Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate. When in an argument I think you can be so mad that you can so much rage inside you; but at the same time you really get to understand the message that is being conveyed to you it helps calm the problems. My coach always told me; listen to the message not the messenger, meaning that the person can yelling; ripping; and swearing at you after all that it should make sense to the both of you what is going on. Some peers find it a game to do it that way; like my coach then; some do it because they feel empowered but then realize it doesn't solve anything.

I find myself in between because sometimes it is hard if you are constantly getting in a conflict about the same situation everyday, but if I am not ready to speak about the conflict, I simply just tell the person I can't about this right now I need some time to think. I go and shoot some hoops or get a little run in; then when I am about level headed; i go back speak to them.

Chapter 11 Post 3 Mediatiors as Communication Rules Enforcers

The concept I am picking for this week are rules for mediators. Rules are obligations (they tell us what we must say in certain situations). These is an example of how our rules are laid down for us when we are young. Like we are going to school when you hear the bell, usually it means that you got 1 min left until you got to your seat and the teacher beginnings class; if your not in your seat there are consequences. This is the basic rules definition and an example of it.

The communication rules for mediation are; They enforce those communication rules, they steer disputants through the steps of mediation, they manage the tone of the discussion, and they ask the disputants to cease discussing some topics and focus on others. These rules are based on how to handle each the basic mediator process. Although I have done something similar where my two friends were fighting about a situation and they told me to be there so they don't "throw down" I feel like it is more on an informal one even though I feel like I followed the rules guidelines.

Chapter 11 Post 2

This chapter about mediation has a lot of common use people use during communication in everyday life; maybe not to the extend of it but they have related to some concepts about conflict. Fractionation is breaking down complex issues into smaller, more manageable ones. The next technique is framing which is where mediators ask neutral or friendly questions that avoid blame or passing judgement and summarize issues. Reframing is where mediators restate negatively loaded, biased, or accusatory statements made by one of the parties in more neutral terminology or restate positions. The last one common ground which consists of attitudes, values, behaviors, expectations, and goals the parties share can serve as a basis for an agreement.

I would like to use the fractionation into an example. The book basically defines it as making issues into smaller, more manageable ones. I coach high school basketball, we are team that is guard oriented, meaning that we are smaller and quicker so we can outrun teams. We are at a disadvantage when we play bigger teams that can run also, the other coaches and I have been trying to hide our deficiencies and still be successful. This year although we are not a big fan of playing a zone defense; we found out that playing it in occasionally helps us out we can rebound a little better, and there isn't much of a mismatch. Each game we approach the game differently our coaching staff is still continuing to work hard to help our team to be successful. Its a process, and each I feel like we are getting better.

Chapter 11 Post 1

A mediator is a neutral third party who has no decision-making power regarding the outcome of the mediation. It also help restore communication and normalize relations, it allows for full participation by the conflicting parties. I believe that communication majors would make perfect mediators because they keep an an open mind and don't try to pick a side during a conflict. There job is to seek an unbiased and no reason to take a anyone's side; also to give each side same amount of time and attention and making sure it is equal towards speaking.Also in formal or informal cases it is best that the mediator doesn't know each party or one of the party; this helps not to be biased towards one party and it keeps an open mind. For lawyers and psychotherapists there job is to pick one side and defend that side even though it maybe right or wrong; basically problem/solution, find a way to convince persuade one side to win. Whereas mediators are trying to find solve and find a middle hearing both sides of the story.

Chapter 3 post 3

The concept that I picked for this chapter is the assertive communication. The book defines it as the ability to speak up for one's interests, concerns, or rights in a way that does not interfere or infringes on the rights of others. This style of communication was brought upon to me when my friend and his girlfriend were going thru a tough situation. He was telling me about how it has been tough, and she wants to take some time off from each other. During the time he was telling me; I would just listen because I know he has done some stuff to piss of his girlfriend too. The girlfriend would say what she wanted to say also. I would wait until they asked what I think; or I would say I can only imagine because as a listener you want them to do the speaking. At the end of this they asked who was right and who was wrong; but instead of me choosing I tried to look at the bigger picture of patching it together.
Although I had to bite my tongue because of the things they have done would hurt any relationship; I've simply just said if you love each other and those things happen it the past happened already and your still together; you guys belong together and work out the kinks of your relationship. There is never going to be a perfect relationship but there is always a way to get better to strive to be perfect couple. I'm happy to say that they are still together; and had plans on getting married soon.

chapter 3 post 2

I believe there is a big difference between abusive and being strict. Parents who have rules and set the rules for reason are being strict. The parents usually have rules about curfew, going to bed early on a school night, getting your homework done before you can hang out with friends, or not getting into trouble. There are consequences for these rules, some parents may hit you or some parents might take away something you like to do as punishment; but then talk to you afterwards on why they are strict on the rules. On the other hand, parents that just hit there kids to the point they have to wear clothing to cover the wounds; that's an abusive parent. Those parents have rules too; but there agenda is different. I feel like they want to scare the kid when abusive parents do this and it isn't safe for the kids.

Also when parents push there child it should involve being positive where a child knows there goals; and if there goals aren't met if there is an alternative. I experience where pushing is a positive in my life. My parents still push me till this day. They push me so that I can do better than they did. I know that sometimes the pushing can get to the point where it maybe too much, where a kid might commit suicide or push so much when they fail the parents see them as worthless. I feel like pushing a kid but knowing there limits also is a great way to have a great relationship with the kid.

chapter 3 dealing with conflicts

When dealing with conflict there are a lot of different ways to handle each conflict. I feel like each situation is unique, like if someone else is starting the conflict and you know you are at fault then there a concept for that.

In the book; it describes other centered orientation which disregards for self that can result in unproductive outcomes. When it comes to conflict sometimes I have myself doing this concept because maybe it is a reoccurring subject and after a while it gets annoying but you don't want to say they are annoying so you just keep it to yourself. The 2nd concept the book mentions is self-centered. It is a person dominating, control, and force their decisions on others. I have never experience like this, like doing this to others, but I have seen done to me and others. I have seen done at the work place; it felt like a dictatorship at the place. I tell you how to do this; I don't care what you feel just get the job done. The last concept for this chapter I feel I use a lot of; its the relationship-centered orientation. It is assertive communication behavior, which can in turn be enacted through collaborating or compromising strategies. I've done this concept a lot, whether it is doing a group project, coaching a basketball team, getting into it with your loved one. This concept I feel is the one I grew up learning and adapting too and I am still learning today.
Overall each orientation has significances towards handling each concept. I feel like we experience each concept whether it is us doing it or if it is being done to us. I feel like I don't assign myself to one orientation; but it can always depend on the situation and how I might be feeling that day.

Chapter 2 Self-talk

For this week I chose the self-talk concept.This concept seems to be used only when one feels obligated to standup for oneself. When I was in high school I was playing for the basketball team; I felt like I was practicing hard, always getting yelled at for a reason I never knew but I wasn't seeing the playing time I felt I deserve. My coach was a tough guy; with a tough guy personality; I knew two things can happen if I talk to him; either he would give me playing time or he would look at me and just give me "are you serious you think you can play" look. My coach took it well; he actually said he was glad I talked to him' he just told me to keep practicing hard and I will see what I can do. He told me the yelling is a built up from your teammates fooling around, so the next person I see messed up I yell. He always told me; listen to the message not the messenger. .The next few games I got in and started a few too. So reading the definition of Self-Talk in the book; I knew I can relate to it because I've does this type of communication with even knowing that it is a concept that can be broken down. I would strategically plan out what I am going to say; look what the consequences are; and how I would deal it the outcome.
My coach and I still have a great relationship and we still communicate till this day. When looking back at the situation now I knew I made a great decision regardless if he gave me what I wanted or not; because it help me to be more confident and how to stand up for myself.

Post 2 Conflict

The concept that I take a non process view on is conflict. During a conflict especially with a loved one I tend to take everything in, or if I had a very rough day and they keep on nagging; I tend to let everything out. I believe the book mentions the triggering event; where maybe something can get on your last nerve; and the initiation phase where the other person makes it known that there is an argument. I never saw a conflict broken down in a series among of stages. For me; it's get mad and solve it; or get mad, take a day or two to cool things down. After seeing how the process works and the steps need to be taken; I will make a better effort to trying this process of five step sequence. Also I think it may differ with using this process because if I am arguing with someone that I first met; I'm pretty sure I would take my process onto account; but if it is a friend, family, lover, it is a little bit easier to do the 5 step sequence.

Chapter 1 conflict

I believe that conflict is not something we are born with but it is a big focus in our lives. The focus is/was on "me." If something is done to us we get defensive about the situation and that's where the arguing comes about. It also has to do with seeing grown ups fighting or arguing about something. I used to watch General Hospital with my grandma as she was babysitting me; although I was young I would see the disagreements on the show; and the two characters won't talk to each other for a while. Then as I got older, grownups would fight I put the two together; so I don't feel like we are born with conflict; I believe it is something that we as people adapt to as we get older; also because there are rules in our society that we have to follow; like when your a kid and steal gum from the store you will not know that's wrong because kids just grab everything; it isn't until parents say, "no put that back!" that kids realize its wrong. On one last note this concept becomes instinctive once we learn the whole process to it. Once we are adapted to it then we start using the concept.

Introduction

Hello Everyone,
I've been a student at San Jose State since 2009, hoping to graduate next year. I am a transfer student from West Valley College where I got a liberal arts degree and a minor in Communications. I have taken different kinds of communication classes here at San Jose State and at West Valley, I really like improving relationships thru communications which was offered at West Valley, and I also liked the small group communications which was taught by Dr. Perez. Communication and Conflict was an interesting class which I thought that I can benefit from seeing from the title of the class, it would help benefit trying to solve different kinds of conflict and how to handle each situation hoping that's what I think is going to be taught.

Besides being a student and knowing my experience with communications; I intend to graduate with a communications degree with a minor in sociology, and get my masters in teaching or counseling. I also coach basketball, I am the girls assistant head coach at The Harker School. I've been a head coach for about 3 years at Peter Burnett middle school doing both girls and boys basketball. I just recently just added to the class earlier today so I got some catching up to do. I hope everyone has a great semester; can't wait to communicate with you guys.